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New Babies and Significant Life Events

Barbara Rainey

April 3, 2008

The most challenging part of the empty nest for me right now is learning how to be available to my adult children when they have needs: new babies, significant life events like turning 30 or a graduation, keeping the kids for them so they can get away with their spouse. But it’s not just showing up when they need us, but being there just to be with them and enter into their world. They want us to watch our grandkids play T-ball and basketball and graduate from pre-school. There are baby dedications, Christmas pageants, birthday parties, and baptisms, too. And we want to be there! How often I have wished I could be in two places at one time. Oh, and by the way, none of our adult children live in town. They are literally scattered from coast to coast.

In two weeks my daughter, Rebecca, who is expecting her first baby in early June will have her first baby shower. I’m invited, of course, but she lives over1000 miles away! To justify a plane ticket and the travel time I’d need to be gone for a minimum of three days. So we are going to try something new; a high tech solution. I asked her to take her Mac to the shower and call me so I can watch her open gifts and listen to the ‘ooos’ and ‘ahs’ via the internet. Great idea, huh? Now, I hope it will work! I’ll let you know.

I’m so grateful that my children want Dennis and me to still be a part of their lives. I know that is not always the case. I also know that not being able to always ‘be there’ is good for them and for us. I do feel some guilt when I have to say “no” to them. I know it would make life easier for them if I was always available to babysit and help when they needed it, but I also know God is using all of these dilemmas for their good and mine. Trusting Him with their lives really never ends . . .

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Showing 1 to 10 of 17   First | Prev | 1 2 | Next | Last 
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 2:49:15 PM 
Trying to grandparent from a distance is a challenge for me at times. My oldest daughter lives far away and I miss not getting to see the grandkids very often.The other one lives 3 hours away and I see that one grandchild every few weeks. I send the grandkids little notes in the mail and always include some little something that can be put in a note card....stickers, tiny plastic toys, small candy, etc. always with lots of loving words of affirmation. They love this! One of the little guys requested his mom read his six times the day he got it in the mail.
Of two other adult single daughters one is still at home with me... the other nearby. I am widowed and I dread the day I will be completely alone, yet I know I cannot expect my children to need me in the way that they once did. I have to allow them to have their own life. To try and cling to them would actually put distance in our relationship so I have tried to gradually release before this last one is out of the nest. I am discove
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 10:48:34 AM 
It is nice to know the feelings of being an empty-nestor and growing older aren't just my own! Luckily, grown children live nearby but one is busy with four children and the other is single and busy with her career/life. Another shock for me was getting used to getting older! An unfamiliar face stares back at me in the mirror and my body doesn't lose weight the way it once did. I seem invisible to store clerks when accompanied by my younger daughters - even though I'm the one with the money! LOL! The grandchildren are teens and can't be bothered with grandparents now and quite frankly, I'm so ignorant of all their newest devices and games - we send them gift cards now! So we are going to retire at the ocean. It will be a big change since WE are the ones moving four hours away! We plan to get active in a local church, my husband will be shore fishing a LOT, he has many "projects" lined up, and I plan to do all those creative things I set aside years ago to raise a family - pain
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 10:30:12 AM 
I too have experienced loneliness as my children have left, but I am also looking forward to this new phase in our lives together. Sometimes I feel almost euphoric about the possibilies and then feel guilty that I don't feel sad and empty like some of the other women.
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 10:21:53 AM 
After homeschooling my 3 children for 11 years, I am now an "empty-nester". Only one is local, but busy, so we don't get together often.
I think the thing that makes me most lonely, though, is that my husband and I have gradually grown apart as the kids have grown up. It seems as though they were the glue that held us together. Now he is busy trying to rebuild his business, and I do a lot of volunteer work at church. He's no longer interested in church, and I don't really want to help with his business, and frankly, he doesn't seem to want my help.
On a postive note, I am glad that I have more time to spend in Bible study and prayer without interruption. I really feel closer to the Lord now that I have for a long time.
I would encourage you to get involved in your local church; go to a ladies' Sunday School class or volunteer to work in the nursery or in some other area where you will meet other women. I have found it is easier to make friends when I am working with the
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 9:33:54 AM 
My husband and I moved from CT to Florida almost 31/2 years ago.My youngest son is 23, came with us but he went back home within 6 months. My oldest son 33 is still up there and they are doing so well. God is so good and I pray for them all daily. We have one 30 in FL but about 2 hrs away....I have not done well, we moved here for a change, troubles in our marriage, it has helped but I miss my boys so much I can't seem to get on with my life.I feel like I have no purpose and I am so sad. I miss my home and have not found many friends here. My church is big and it seems everyone either still has kids home or they live close to them.It is sad for me.I need to get on with my life. At 52, having my first when I was 18.It is all I know.I want to be around them when they have their own families, so we can all be together, my husband says I live in a fantasy world.I need to find God's purpose for me now.
Thanks for letting me share.
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 9:07:50 AM 
Through our four children leaving home and caring for elderly parents, I have learned that God is a better caretaker than I am or ever could be. Two of our four young adult children live outside the U.S. and I see needs in all their lives. I believe that one of my main jobs (and really the only thing I CAN do) as an empty nester is to diligently pray for our children. God never ceases to amaze me in how he answers my prayers abundantly beyond anything I ask or think. We also continue to view our children as belonging to God and only on loan to us. While they are a great joy to us, they do not exist for our pleasure but to bring glory to God, whenever, wherever, and however he choses.
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 7:01:30 AM 
This morning a question was asked about mothers who worked outside the home and why would they experience empty nest. I am a full time working mother and always have been. I had always thought my career would keep me going when the children left. Two things I found were: I was more a mother than a career woman and my career lost its luster at the same time. Not only am I considering what do I do without my children but what do I do for the rest of my life. At the same time, my husband is feeling liberated and full of possibilities.
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 6:14:31 AM 
I can so relate to what many of you have expressed. I've really struggled with the depression of it all. I'm so excited for my children as they go off and experience all the world has to offer but it leaves me very lonely and depressed.
I've struggled mightily with insecurities of not feeling cappable of doing anything else. Now when I need to go back to work to help pay for tuition,I'm stuck with horable feelings of I can't do anything worthy. Drugs (from my Dr.!) have helped tremendously, I don't cry all the time anymore. But I'm still got a long way to go to get my life back and make some decisions for the rest of my life. It should be an exciting time to be able to do what ever I put my mind to but all I do it fear it.
Anonymous @ 4/8/2008 4:29:59 AM 
Barbara & Susan, I listened to your broadcast yesterday & can very much relate. I feel like I've crossed a line in my life & there's no going back. We have 2 sons, one close in location & relationship, & one 3 hrs away & a distant relationship(due to differing values, etc.). I loved being a mom but this has been a hard last 5-6 years. We feel so unneeded, and miss the daily interaction of our family being together on good terms. We are lonely, too, as many of our friends are busy with their grown children & grandchildren. We feel we are wasting our life, but really don't know what we want to do. Sometimes I look into the backyard & cry because it is so empty. I never understood midlife crisis or empty nest, but am now living in both. I get mad at myself, but seem unable to change or really enjoy this time of life. I do have a homebased business, but even that doesn't satisfy. I'm anxious to listen today, & will get your book. Thank you, Judy
Anonymous @ 4/7/2008 10:44:33 PM 
I just listened to the broadcast and take great comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I could really relate to the issue of allowing friendships to slide because I am so lonely. I admit I am envious of those ladies that have wonderful friendships. I wonder if there are other women nearby that feel the same way. I wish that while I understood the importance of always working on your marriage, preparing for this day, why we weren't working on meaningful relationships with other women.
I also feel that way as a couple. No one would ever suspect that my husband and I don't have a social life. Are there others like us and could the Lord use us to be transparent enough and brave enough to start a group and maybe call it "longing hearts?"
lh
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